Secretly, everyone wants to be Italian. Even those who don’t know it.

I was sitting on a train, jammed in with a schoolteacher from Rome, chaperoning a pack of kids on a Big Apple excursion. Jammed in as we were, I asked her about Berlusconi. She answered with a smirk and an insight. She said, “Secretly, I think Italians all want to be like Berlusconi. That’s why they tolerate his antics.”

So even if you’re already Italian, there is something better to be: a Berlusconi.

Mr. Putin, in your fashioning of the modern Russian conservative ethos, you perhaps wonder why Russian speaking Ukrainians do not stampede to join your party. This is because it is a dull party. Ukrainians look west, because then they can aspire to be Italians, and, once achieving that lofty goal, they can aspire to be Berlusconis.

Many would argue that being Berlusconi is better than kissing crucifixes, though Berlusconi kisses a lot of things too.

Mr. Putin, I have a hunch as to your motive for the conservative alignment. In the evolution of the Russian state that follows your tenure, you want a political establishment with a moral compass. The transition from oligarchy to whatever follows has a gap, which you want to plug with a conservative religious ethos.

But the Ukrainians would rather be Italians.